sacar la luz

Click it' N Get it

2010-07-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

truth is- I walked away from God.
I was tired of being the good girl who was left with an empty heart. I spent years being that good girl who always felt so crappy b/c no matter how much I improved it still wasn't enough. So I choose to follow love. The Love brought me back to God then away again. Now its been over a year on my own. Time sure does have a way of running away with its self. Life has escaped me and has left me in quick sand of un balanceness.

Now I dont know where to go. Well I have ideas. But one thing I do know is that I think I miss God. I miss that connection with He who made me. But the truth is, I dont know if I am ready for religion. I am enjoying being free of guilt and should be. I dont really know what this means for this super Christian southern girl.

But what I still ache for are the fufilment of empty dreams, of the empty space next to me in bed. I ache for the carefree old me- that seemed to breathe in life with a smile upon her face. I miss good music, poetry, quiet evenings with the sound of crickets, a garden, free time, free space, room for creativity. I miss love. Right now, heartache is my contant companion.

So I am sheading off the things that make me sad. I am going to try to live life as a artist. Lets see how that works out.

Flight

2010-05-17T16:54:00.001-07:00

Taking control is the best form of flight.

Time to take flight.
Time to plan.
Time to enjoy.
Time to focus.

About time.

Flight

2010-05-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

Taking control is the best form of flight.

Time to take flight.
Time to plan.
Time to enjoy.
Time to focus.

About time.

one more day

2010-05-11T05:44:00.000-07:00

one more day to fill what was left behind by him
one more day to try to do better than before
one more day to try to find how the old me fits with the new me
one more day to decide how to move forward
one more day to finally live the life that i want
one more day, to just be me.

truth is, i am fighting for more. fighting for me finally standing up and taking control. for living a life that i want. problem is , all of the dreams that i want mean i have to sacrifice other dreams. do i save up- work until next summer and then go live abroad. will that mean that i miss out on marriage and babies? or is this dream of having that love and family just simply something thats not in the cards for me?

nothing about life turns out the way i thought it would. the more i live the more i see that life is really about me. me making choices and going after what i want. time doesn't sleep. so for right now, i will work and dream - dream of having time to garden, to cook, to read , to have good conversations filled with laugh lines and love.

so for now, i will work and continue missing. missing those dreams, love and what i want.

trying to find home

2010-04-06T05:46:00.001-07:00

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truth is i know why i came but i just cant make it feel like home. i can't seem to find my peace, my place in this town. i am trying to give myself patience. to go out, meet people and push myself to be who i want to be. but no matter what i do he is still haunting me. in my dreams its like he creeps in filling me with the sweet memories we created here. and within each still moment a new old memory fills my mind . the memories are a gift, a real piece of heaven. the torture is in knowing he has no recollection anymore. his memories are with someone new. being alone in sweet memories is torture. sweet torture.
maybe today will be better. maybe today i won't be haunted.

A little bit of wanting

2010-02-13T05:09:00.000-08:00

With all the changes that I have experienced in the last few weeks I have found myself just existing but still having sheer peace. Things have been tough- but for the first time in a long time they don't seem unconquerable.

So I am taking things slow. Seeing where life leads and living in the moment while planning for the future. It is all mine.

3 minutes of mindfulness

finding myself
taking care
focusing
nesting
finding
waiting
watching
proactiveness
love
eyes
time
past time
right time

takes saying goodbye to grow

2010-01-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

Today, I am starting to tell people about my plans.

And for the first time in my entire life, I am seeing how real life is. How people can make connections and share their experiences. I am teary, scared, but talking to dear friends, I know I have to do this. I have been checked out of life for a very long time. Its time to check into people, to caring, to living a life that I can be proud of when I am 100.

Todays the day.

I have alot of work to do.

I can't wait.

3 minutes-

excitement

they did it and so can i

life will happen without me

i need to take the reigns

paris

europe

documentary photography

school

being half of me

living for the first time

really really living

fighting for myself

take the leap

good music

great conversations and great laughter

saying goodbye

2010-01-05T22:47:00.000-08:00

life .

oh life..

regret. life. change.

ugh ugh ugh.

this last month has been revolutionary. i lost a great love, went into a deep depression and now i am moving. cutting off all of the cords and jumping feet first into change. at first, this change liberated me. now, i am terrified. I am leaving comfort- stability, solitude, friendship, safety-

for what?

for possibility.

for the chance to final be free of fear, regret, lonliness-

and finally on the road to where my heart knows i belong.

3 minutes of mindfulness

hurt
paint
heartache
it has to get better
i need God
Good needs me
hope
love
great love
have to do this even if it hurts
time its over due
lists

On the streets of the USA

2009-11-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

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I just came home from a week of fighting , a weekend of driving up the coast of the states and most importantly a weekend of growing up. I find that adulthood brings alot of awakenings. You seem to be awakened to what life really is about, how lovers can turn into enemies and how things are never quite as you thought they were as a child. Sacrifices are commonplace while dreaming is more of a hinderence ( yet sacred). This week I found God, strength, the inner and outer fight, calm, peace, joy and my sisters. I became an adult a little bit more this weekend. But this time, it didn't hurt as much. Rather, it felt much more realistic. I am still going to fight against it though. Well not fight, but try to marry it with the child that still yearns for intellectual innocence. If thats even possible.

Life is fast so very fast. I must find time to listen to leaves fall, to feel their crunch beneath my feet. And mostly importantly to keep looking. To look for beauty, balance, deep conversations, people with history, quick glances, dimples and rainbows.

when life was sweet

2009-10-04T21:37:00.001-07:00

time is an ever ticking, never sleeping animal that keeps going on and on without much thought for slowing down or stopping. i stumbled upon these photographs a few days ago and iw as tranformed to a perfect day in the park with dear friends a few years ago. before marriages, relationships, job changes and moves- back when it was just us, the blue sky, good conversation ,and great friendship. being transformed to that day was completly therapuetic. i felt an instant gratitude for friendships that can last through life . this is what makes life great.

Las Horas

2009-09-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

Time has become quite a constant source of stress and frustration for me. I never seem to have enough and I can't help but think in my ability to fill time up with things to do that I am missing out on living the life that i truly want.
having a business is exhilirating, fun and challenging. I feel accomplishment and success but with that brings an inability to take care of myself. i am tired, i am pushing myself so much that i am un healthy- physically, emotionally and more.
i had a converstation with someone the other day discussing some products to put in my gallery. we both agreed time is elusive and that we need more of it. then we talked business and pricing. i told her its business and about the money- then she said to me- i guess it depends on what you find to be wealth.

it hit me like a ton of bricks?
what is my wealth? for a long time, money has been my wealth b/c i have so many bills to pay all the time but also because i do want success.

but my true wealth is the life and love that fills it.
somehow i have to believe that again.

heart walking outside my chest

2009-07-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

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Life goes by so quickly. I seem to start alot of these posts this way. but its true.
the best thing about this crazy fast life are the people involved and the loved shared along the way.
tonight, i saw someone who i missed, well, i didnt know how much i truly missed until i saw her sweet face. shes brillant and amazing and perfect.
i am happy for her and so incredibly proud just to know her. if becoming a mother means i will love someone even one 10th as much as i love her, then i can not wait for that moment to come. i know it will be the amazing combination of true love and complete heartache.

i still miss her.

LIfe

2009-07-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

Finally seeming to sit comfortably in my skin and what life is truly about. thoughts are clearer.
life is still ever racing by.
but i suppose its meant to do that.

Reaching the Clouds

2009-06-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

Life is good and strange and miraculous and exhausting and moving and and and......

For the last month or so I have been growing in love, growing within my business and growing as a person. I can honestly say I am reaching new hieghts literaly with this last little trip but also figureatively. I can't wait to see what life will bring next. All I know now is that I love soaring above it all and looking for the next horizon.

Speechlessness

2009-05-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

Today I want to move, run, hide anything.
Just to stop the mounting list in my head to stop and to finally enjoy life. Not just life on vacations but the day to day life- the joy of listening to good music while washing the dishes, walking barefoot outside, water plants or taking drive.

Now, I just work.

but if I dont work that means i have to be alone with my thoughts, my real life.

I rather work.

Southern Satisfaction

2009-04-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

I ran off with my sister, Mother and Grandmother for a relaxing, yet re-affirming trip to Savannah a few weekends ago.
The whole trip started off with a long , slow ride up there. It was a sweet , blessing, where I found a part of my life that I missed- the idea of finding. We stopped in Yullee, a small down just above Jacksonville that had this amazing antique store. It was a palette of perfection- all of the vintage pieces were arranged by color and I found myself inspired by the juxtaposition of colors to forms to functionality. Within all of that though, there is this idea of life. I found a dresser full of old tin photographs which just mesmerized me. It made me think of the lives that past and especially of the one I was quickly sliding through. Yet at the same time, I found visions the future in a small , white baby dress from the 1950s, which I hope will adorn the back of one of my babies one day.
The rest of the weekend was a chance of re-discovery. I was consumed into southern culture, my culture. The idea of gentility , grace and hospitality. This was evident in the history of the buildings as well as the stories which ever so swiftly flowed from the mouth of my dear sweet grandmother. The whole weekend, I found myself consumed with the idea of past, present and future as it seemed to surround me. These thoughts forced me to deal with life and in returned turn my artistic eye into much more of a realist. Everytime I went to capture an image, I couldn't help but try to find the idea of balance, form, repetition- anything that makes sense. Anything that would help me make sense of me.Then , in the mix of it all I met miraculous people. The beauty of the south is that people are welcoming. They are careful, strong, proud and most of all welcoming. I felt at home in this small town as I met some of it's residents and heard their stories. The kind of stories that connect you to the other and make you feel a little bit more alive.

Life is full of goodness- simple goodness. The past , present and future is full of goodness. People are good.
This is what life is all about.

Heat, red and mangos

2009-04-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

For the first time since I was a child time literaly seemed to stand still. I just returned from a 5 day trip to Nicaragua where I tried new foods, sat under mango trees, slept in hammocks, hugged children and road waves. I felt as if somehow I lost my blonde hair and white skin and slipped into another culture . That for a few days, I saw what it was like to live in another world with a different family and life. I found joy, simplicity, gratitude , love and my own thoughts. For most of the time, I was mute. I couldn't speak well enough for others to understand me and half of the time I couldn't understand others- so I was left to simply soak in the moments with my own mind. Clear and open to explore my own thoughts. It was refreshing to just be silent within the hussle of life.
Then I found communciating didn't need words but just sweet , simple smiles . This was a magical tool that allowed me to see into other's lives and capture images that I have always dreamed of. It also lead me to have a tickle fight with a 3 year old, to make muscles with some 7 year olds and make friends without words. Each person was just as vast as the landscape- from deserts to volcanos, to beaches and big cities- each region had a story , each person's eyes told a different hope.
Over that entire time, I found a new part of me ready to eat the world and to become the person who can savor moments without letting them pass me by. To realize, that I am incredibly blessed with opportunities that allow me to live my dreams .
Now its up to me.

Thinking in twos.

2009-03-22T06:38:00.001-07:00

Little by little does the trick- Aesop

2009-03-21T05:26:00.000-07:00

I am trying to live by this motto. That small and simple steps towards a goal are the way to actually achieve it. Its also in an effort to slow down and enjoy life . Lately, I have been going back through old shoots and finding that pictures that I once overlooked as good are actually perfect. It makes me wonder how much in life I look over. How much I miss the truly beautiful things in place of those things which appear right or good at the first glance. Maybe, just maybe, I need to do some better looking.

no more real reasons

2009-03-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

now its up to me.

trying to enjoy the ride

2009-03-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

for the second time this month, i have had a random older man come up to me in the grocery store to remind me to smile- that life isn't so bad. i guess i need the reminder.
truthfully, its made me think as to whether or not I am truly happy. i think i am sometimes- i am trying to relax and just enjoy life has it comes. but theres an ache in my heart of all the things i wish i could do or see or go.
who knows.....life is good.

what life was supposed to be like

2009-02-11T20:40:00.000-08:00

letting down all of the walls

2009-01-25T23:46:00.001-08:00

this weekend i found complete happiness in the simpleness of life. there is something to be said about lettings yourself be connected to another human, to allow yourself to be cared for and loved. as i journeyed in allowing myself to be connected to another i found such healing. such warmth and kindness, such safety and rest. To realize, that life really isn't all that complicated, that people don't fit into stereotypes or that we have to be defined by pre-set notions rather just to open our eyes to see the beauty of another . i found myself wrapped completly in a place where i was forever changed and i relish in every single moment.
I am completly O.K. about all of it

goodbye granddaddy

2009-01-09T01:05:00.000-08:00

today i buried my Grandfather. at his funeral, i gained more love and respect for him than all the years that i knew him . i realize that at times we all spend time with one another but rarely sit down to see w ho they are. I mourn for the man that i didnt know but rejoice in all that he left behind. his legacy is his family . i am grateful to carry that legacy and to learn about the man i never knew.

talking to God

2008-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

i went on a walk in a field that i never had the courage to venture in.
i spoke with God.
Listened.
I am still listening.

til the end

2008-12-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

i posted pictures from this photo safari forever ago. when i saw them again it made me think about being alone. i have been pondering the idea of alone for a while as i have struggled to come to turns with the fact that i might live life alone . the idea is great and incredible sad at the same time. i hope to have both. so i am thinking of cherishing the singleness by spending a month in oregon in hopes i can re-discover why its okay to be alone while secretly hoping to find just the opposite.

stay or leave

2008-12-21T09:03:00.000-08:00

Yesteryday, I went on a photo safari and enjoyed the sweetness of nature and good company. What joy it is to enjoy the simple thing in life , to watch, to listen, to question and to just be quiet.

grey blue eyes

2008-12-13T06:29:00.000-08:00

life has a way of letting you die slowly and without much notice.
i am resolving to pay more attention to the time that is left.
so not miss the beauty and to embrace the time ahead with a new vigor.

Life

2008-11-15T15:53:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have become obsessed with words. Well, more like quotes. For some reason, a good quote has always been medicine to my soul. Reading a short phrase that is powerful enough to envoke change, love, forgiveness, imaingation, inspiration or anything else in between has been a favorite past time of mine. No matter who says it, it stays with me- like a good poem, it has the type of power to tranform my own thoughts into that of others and for a brief moment I feel connected to the world, to others. I feel, in a way, as if my dreams aren't that far away.
Maybe one day, I will be quoted.

No more victims

2008-10-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

Comfort, Hope and Love

2008-10-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

Respect Mon

2008-10-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

Life is an amazing journey. This past week I found the way to heal the aches of my heart. Jamaica gave me hope, love and the ability to dream again.
After a week of self discovery, self awakening, healing , and laughter I can truly say that this world, the people of this world are nothing short of miraculous. Through this short time I met Marshall who taught me to hope and to always keep my integrity, Gary " Romeo" who reminded me to smile and to create the enviroment that I want, Strickland who showed me the power of hard work and the necesity of knowing about the world around you, Shena who showed me how to be graceful, Micheal who taught me to dream big and Horace who taught me to take risks. All of them posess a different outlook on life- each one blessing me with their own life experiences. Each person changed me. Each person gave me so much.
Jamaica gave me so much.

Coming home has been bitter sweet- leaving the friends that I made and the memories that were created was difficult but also exciting. The things that were gained from this short work/vacation are things that will carry me into a full life.
Here are the images that helped create it all.

The things of the heart

2008-10-05T15:55:00.000-07:00

Everywhere I go, I love to talk to people.Theres something epic about talking to a person and for a brief moment, seeing into their life and what their story is about. To see as they see. This is why I take pictures. For the aestetic but also for the that moment- that moment when you can see someone, and I mean truly see them, through the photograph. Whatever it may be- small, grand or unique- I take pictures of people in hopes that I can record their true self.
For example, this is the King of Baseball- I met him at the flea market last Saturday. Through a quick glance, I could see that he is a collector of fine things- a detective of the past, someone who sees what others through away as treasure. Hes a historian hidden under glasses.
Hes the reason I take pictures. Another is the gentleman who sells honey, cane syrup and other goodness in a small town outside Wakulla. His simple truck is passed by everyday. His war hat tells a story, the scars on his face tell a story, but its hidden behind the simple job of selling honey. Taking a photograph that tells more than what it may seem in the beginning is the reason I take pictures.

butterflies, cane syrup and the king of baseball

2008-09-28T08:59:00.001-07:00

I wait for his call

2008-08-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

South Winds and Smiles

2008-08-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

i found a bit of myself this trip and lost another part at the same time.

Breathing in and Out

2008-08-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

a little time with me

2008-07-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

i had some family in town for my brothers wedding and we took off to lake ella for an afternoon. i found myself with my camera actually shooting images that i wanted to catch. i see these images and it gives me faith in love and beauty. something that i want to be , become apart of and to have more of in my life. its the first time in a long time that i took pictures of something that was close to my heart.

they don't make them like they used to

2008-06-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

horace is a dying art form. he is a country farmer who has lived and love in the same town and the same house for all of his life. in the brief moments in which i was able to speak with him i discovered how precious farming is to him and his truck which he bought in 1976.
as we talked for a small time i found myself jealous of pavo ,georgia's residents. this jealously grew as i looked into the local junk store ! I longed to study the treasures inside.

sweet southern days

2008-06-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

theres apart of me that longs to stay in the south for the rest of my life. long slow southern draws, green hills, oak trees and cowboys seem to claim my heart each summer.
i find myself becoming prouder of my hertiage as a southern woman. the gracefulness that is connected to such a title is one that i wear with honor. just like summer peaches,