trying to find home

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truth is i know why i came but i just cant make it feel like home. i can't seem to find my peace, my place in this town. i am trying to give myself patience. to go out, meet people and push myself to be who i want to be. but no matter what i do he is still haunting me. in my dreams its like he creeps in filling me with the sweet memories we created here. and within each still moment a new old memory fills my mind . the memories are a gift, a real piece of heaven. the torture is in knowing he has no recollection anymore. his memories are with someone new. being alone in sweet memories is torture. sweet torture.
maybe today will be better. maybe today i won't be haunted.

A little bit of wanting

With all the changes that I have experienced in the last few weeks I have found myself just existing but still having sheer peace. Things have been tough- but for the first time in a long time they don't seem unconquerable.

So I am taking things slow. Seeing where life leads and living in the moment while planning for the future. It is all mine.



3 minutes of mindfulness

finding myself
taking care
focusing
nesting
finding
waiting
watching
proactiveness
love
eyes
time
past time
right time

takes saying goodbye to grow

Today, I am starting to tell people about my plans.

And for the first time in my entire life, I am seeing how real life is. How people can make connections and share their experiences. I am teary, scared, but talking to dear friends, I know I have to do this. I have been checked out of life for a very long time. Its time to check into people, to caring, to living a life that I can be proud of when I am 100.

Todays the day.

I have alot of work to do.

I can't wait.

3 minutes-

excitement

they did it and so can i

life will happen without me

i need to take the reigns

paris

europe

documentary photography

school

being half of me

living for the first time

really really living

fighting for myself

take the leap

good music

great conversations and great laughter

saying goodbye

life .

oh life..

regret. life. change.

ugh ugh ugh.

this last month has been revolutionary. i lost a great love, went into a deep depression and now i am moving. cutting off all of the cords and jumping feet first into change. at first, this change liberated me. now, i am terrified. I am leaving comfort- stability, solitude, friendship, safety-

for what?


for possibility.

for the chance to final be free of fear, regret, lonliness-

and finally on the road to where my heart knows i belong.


3 minutes of mindfulness

hurt
paint
heartache
it has to get better
i need God
Good needs me
hope
love
great love
have to do this even if it hurts
time its over due
lists

On the streets of the USA

o







I just came home from a week of fighting , a weekend of driving up the coast of the states and most importantly a weekend of growing up. I find that adulthood brings alot of awakenings. You seem to be awakened to what life really is about, how lovers can turn into enemies and how things are never quite as you thought they were as a child. Sacrifices are commonplace while dreaming is more of a hinderence ( yet sacred). This week I found God, strength, the inner and outer fight, calm, peace, joy and my sisters. I became an adult a little bit more this weekend. But this time, it didn't hurt as much. Rather, it felt much more realistic. I am still going to fight against it though. Well not fight, but try to marry it with the child that still yearns for intellectual innocence. If thats even possible.


Life is fast so very fast. I must find time to listen to leaves fall, to feel their crunch beneath my feet. And mostly importantly to keep looking. To look for beauty, balance, deep conversations, people with history, quick glances, dimples and rainbows.

when life was sweet

time is an ever ticking, never sleeping animal that keeps going on and on without much thought for slowing down or stopping. i stumbled upon these photographs a few days ago and iw as tranformed to a perfect day in the park with dear friends a few years ago. before marriages, relationships, job changes and moves- back when it was just us, the blue sky, good conversation ,and great friendship. being transformed to that day was completly therapuetic. i felt an instant gratitude for friendships that can last through life . this is what makes life great.

Las Horas

Time has become quite a constant source of stress and frustration for me. I never seem to have enough and I can't help but think in my ability to fill time up with things to do that I am missing out on living the life that i truly want.
having a business is exhilirating, fun and challenging. I feel accomplishment and success but with that brings an inability to take care of myself. i am tired, i am pushing myself so much that i am un healthy- physically, emotionally and more.
i had a converstation with someone the other day discussing some products to put in my gallery. we both agreed time is elusive and that we need more of it. then we talked business and pricing. i told her its business and about the money- then she said to me- i guess it depends on what you find to be wealth.

it hit me like a ton of bricks?
what is my wealth? for a long time, money has been my wealth b/c i have so many bills to pay all the time but also because i do want success.

but my true wealth is the life and love that fills it.
somehow i have to believe that again.