one more day

one more day to fill what was left behind by him
one more day to try to do better than before
one more day to try to find how the old me fits with the new me
one more day to decide how to move forward
one more day to finally live the life that i want
one more day, to just be me.


truth is, i am fighting for more. fighting for me finally standing up and taking control. for living a life that i want. problem is , all of the dreams that i want mean i have to sacrifice other dreams. do i save up- work until next summer and then go live abroad. will that mean that i miss out on marriage and babies? or is this dream of having that love and family just simply something thats not in the cards for me?

nothing about life turns out the way i thought it would. the more i live the more i see that life is really about me. me making choices and going after what i want. time doesn't sleep. so for right now, i will work and dream - dream of having time to garden, to cook, to read , to have good conversations filled with laugh lines and love.

so for now, i will work and continue missing. missing those dreams, love and what i want.

trying to find home

o
truth is i know why i came but i just cant make it feel like home. i can't seem to find my peace, my place in this town. i am trying to give myself patience. to go out, meet people and push myself to be who i want to be. but no matter what i do he is still haunting me. in my dreams its like he creeps in filling me with the sweet memories we created here. and within each still moment a new old memory fills my mind . the memories are a gift, a real piece of heaven. the torture is in knowing he has no recollection anymore. his memories are with someone new. being alone in sweet memories is torture. sweet torture.
maybe today will be better. maybe today i won't be haunted.

heart walking outside my chest

s




Life goes by so quickly. I seem to start alot of these posts this way. but its true.
the best thing about this crazy fast life are the people involved and the loved shared along the way.
tonight, i saw someone who i missed, well, i didnt know how much i truly missed until i saw her sweet face. shes brillant and amazing and perfect.
i am happy for her and so incredibly proud just to know her. if becoming a mother means i will love someone even one 10th as much as i love her, then i can not wait for that moment to come. i know it will be the amazing combination of true love and complete heartache.

i still miss her.

Thinking in twos.

letting down all of the walls

this weekend i found complete happiness in the simpleness of life. there is something to be said about lettings yourself be connected to another human, to allow yourself to be cared for and loved. as i journeyed in allowing myself to be connected to another i found such healing. such warmth and kindness, such safety and rest. To realize, that life really isn't all that complicated, that people don't fit into stereotypes or that we have to be defined by pre-set notions rather just to open our eyes to see the beauty of another . i found myself wrapped completly in a place where i was forever changed and i relish in every single moment.
I am completly O.K. about all of it